Anastasiia Babash
School of Theology and Religious Studies,
University of Tartu, Estonia
Sex is more exciting on the screen
and between the pages than between the sheets anyway.
– Andy Warhol (1977)
A new message notification lights up in the corner of the screen. Your breathing quickens, your heart pounds in your ears, your fingers do not obey you well when you press the "open chat" button. You are reading the message text greedily, sometimes rushing from word to word but stopping yourself and coming back to the beginning to enjoy it. You start typing in response, knowing that your partner is feeling the same as you do, and the change of your status to "typing…" makes them go crazy. It is a slow burn, where each sentence teases, tempts, and draws you closer to the edge. There is a thrill in creating a back-and-forth rhythm that mimics the push and pull of real intimacy but with the added allure of mystery. You cannot see their face, but you can feel their desire through every carefully chosen word. It feels very intimate and vulnerable, like sex. If you ask me, I would say that what is happening is indeed a form of sex that can be called cybersex, or if you want to be more precise, textual sexting.¹
It is a hackneyed phrase, but digital technology in fact has transformed every part of our lives, including the romantic and sexual spheres. With dating apps, finding potential partners is as easy as a swipe, opening up endless possibilities to meet new people. Websites and social media platforms allow for the exchange of intimate texts, photos, or videos, whether shared privately or with a wider audience, giving people more freedom to express themselves and their desires. Virtual and augmented reality take this even further, creating immersive sexual experiences where fantasies can come to life in a fully interactive environment. And artificial intelligence adds yet another layer, where chatbots and even robots can provide emotional and/or physical companionship, inviting people to explore connection and intimacy in entirely new ways.
All these different activities are often called cybersex. Nowadays this word is used as an umbrella term describing a variety of erotic activities mediated by technologies – from simple text-based sex that happens in chats to sex with robots. Some researchers even prefer to use the term cybersexuality instead of cybersex to highlight this diversity of online sexual activities. The contemporary Canadian philosopher Neil McArthur has even proposed distinguishing a separate sexual identity – digisexuality – describing those "for whom advanced technologies are an integral part of their preferred sexual experience, and who might not see the need for human sexual partners in order to have fulfilling sex" (McArthur, 2022: 342).
Due to the evolving and fluid nature of digital technologies, it is hard to provide a precise definition of cybersex. As new forms of digital interaction emerge, more possibilities for online sexual activities are appearing, and the "old" ways of having cybersex are changing. But, for the sake of this essay, let's define cybersex as a digital technology-mediated interpersonal interaction in which at least one of the participants is sexually motivated, meaning they are seeking sexual arousal and satisfaction.²
As online sexual activities have been becoming more diverse and more popular, philosophers and researchers from different fields have also become interested in studying them. Thus, the first books on this topic appeared in the early 1990s.³ Most of them were user guides with quite an optimistic view of emerging technology and its bright future. As one representative book describes,
"Just imagine yourself in the near future getting decked out in your cybersensual suit for a hot night on the nets. You plug your jack into your cybernetic interface device, which then enables you to receive and transmit realistic tactile sensations. Suddenly, you are in a strange new world where you can run your hands through virtual hair, touch virtual silk, unzip virtual clothing and caress virtual flesh." (Robinson, Tamosaitis, 1993).
The fact that the first texts on sexuality and technologies were user guides is not surprising: generally, the 1990s were the heyday of various user guides for computers, software programs, etc., as during these years, computers were still a novelty, and people had to learn how to use them. All of these user guides are interesting reflections of the early 1990s computer era and what people thought the future would bring to them. Thus, the study of cybersex is often a study of what people think about the future: what hopes and fears they hold, what directions they want to move in, and what they try to avoid.
One of the first critical (and, in that sense, philosophical) discussions of cybersex was written in 1993 by the freelance journalist Julian Dibbell. In his article for The Village Voice, Dibbell described and analyzed the so-called "cyberrape" in a multi-player computer game, LambdaMOO, that occurred on a Monday night in March 1993. He discussed the various psychological and ethical consequences that such an action had on the players and, thus, brought the mass attention of professional ethicists, psychologists, and lawyers to the virtual space (Dibbell, 1993). Even after 30 years, his essay is "one of the most frequently cited essays about cloaked identity in cyberspace" (Trend, 2001), and it is widely discussed by contemporary researchers who study rape and cyberspace (for example, Huff et al., 2003; Mahadevan, 2015; Sander, 2009).
Similarly to Dibbell's essay, most of the research done in the area of cybersex is often concentrated on its ethical pitfalls: the ways in which digital sexual interactions can go wrong. Much of this work studies the addictive nature of cybersex, its capacity to distort perceptions of intimacy, and its negative impact on offline relationships (for example, Adams, 2020). Privacy, autonomy, and exploitation are also widely explored, especially in cases of "deepfake" and revenge porn, where digital images or recordings are manipulated and/or shared without consent (for example, McGlynn et al., 2017). Furthermore, some researchers warn that cybersex can cultivate harmful expectations and unrealistic standards for offline relationships, potentially diminishing the value of genuine intimacy and physical presence (for example, Gopalan, 2019). Digital technologies often prioritize the fulfillment of sexual needs instead of deep emotional connection: as a result, users can experience sex and relationships in a purely transactional manner, separating the act from any deeper emotional involvement.
The aim of this essay is complementary to this line of research but it takes a different approach: rather than exploring the harms and potential abuses of cybersex, it focuses on the pleasures of cybersex. Namely, it aims to investigate why people enjoy it and what good things it can bring to our lives. In an era where digital interactions are increasingly prevalent, understanding the appeal of having cybersex (rather than merely criticizing and blaming it) allows us to have a more balanced perspective on cybersex, recognizing that while it indeed has some challenges and dangers, it also offers valuable opportunities for exploration, creativity, and growth in our increasingly digital world.
Pleasures of sex
Mostly, people engage in sex because it is a pleasurable activity. Clearly, there are other reasons why people have sex, including reproduction, feeling loved, earning social status and reputation, economic interests, and so on. However, pleasure is usually what we associate with sex and expect to receive from it.
Philosophers who study pleasure note that it comes in many forms, each with a distinct nature (Katz, 2016; Aydede, 2018). There are:
(a) Pleasure-as-sensation is a type of pleasure that is physically felt, such as the satisfaction of scratching an itch.
(b) Pleasure-as-enjoyment involves taking pleasure in an activity or experience, which might involve bodily sensations (enjoying the feel of water while swimming) or might not (the enjoyment of a challenging chess game).
(c) Pleasure-as-feeling refers to a sense of satisfaction, often felt after a major achievement or unexpected good news.
(d) Pleasure-as-attitude reflects a positive feeling about a situation or fact, such as being pleased about winning a prize.
In sexual pleasure, (a) pleasure-as-sensation and (b) pleasure-as-enjoyment are central, with the first being parasitic on the second (Halwani, 2020). Even though people often find a broader enjoyment of the entire experience of sex, it often stems from these physical sensations, meaning that sexual (b) pleasure-as-enjoyment frequently relies on sexual (a) pleasure-as-sensation. In this sense, the pleasure of physical sensations forms the foundation of sexual enjoyment, making sexual desire somewhat unique compared to other pleasure-motivated activities (Halwani, 2020).
As for (a) sexual pleasure-as-sensation, orgasm is an obvious example, but it is not the only one. People often find sexual pleasure in the sensations of body-to-body contact, the tastes and smells of their partners, and even the sounds of sex. Sexual pleasure often revolves around the immediate, sensory experiences that are unique to physical intimacy. And usually, when we think about why sex is pleasurable, we think about these unique physical sensations. Some philosophers even define sex in a way that emphasizes the physical origin of its pleasure. For example, American philosopher Alan H. Goldman claims, "sexual desire is desire for contact with another person’s body and for the pleasure which such contact produces; sexual activity is an activity which tends to fulfill such desire of the agent" (Goldman, 1977: 268). A Croatian philosopher of Russian origin, Igor Primoratz, also believes that sexual pleasure is specifically "the sort of bodily pleasure experienced in the sexual parts of the body" (Primoratz, 1999: 46).
These views on sex are usually called the "plain sex" account, after Alan Goldman's paper of the same name (Goldman, 1977). English philosopher Seiriol Morgan calls it "reductionist" because he believes that these views rest "on an inadequate philosophy of mind, which misrepresents the relationships between our consciousness and our embodiment" (Morgan, 2003). Instead, he defends an "intentionalist" view that acknowledges the centrality of physical arousal but argues that this arousal is rooted in the mutual interaction and perception of experiences between partners. Such prominent philosophers of sex as Robert Solomon, Thomas Nagel, and Roger Scruton hold this view. Thus, American philosopher Robert Solomon argues that sexual arousal is enhanced not just by the partner's physical arousal but by the emotional and communicative messages each partner conveys, which create a shared, embodied "language" during sexual encounters (Solomon, 1974). English philosopher Roger Scruton emphasizes that healthy sexual desire is oriented around the unique individuality of one’s partner, so that the specific person becomes central to the experience (Scruton, 1986). And American philosopher Thomas Nagel highlights the mutual and reciprocal nature of sexual arousal, suggesting that arousal is not simply caused by physical contact but by an awareness and response to the partner's arousal (Nagel, 1969). To summarize their views, the intentionalist account of sex emphasizes that sexual desire is not simply a drive for physical pleasure, but rather an interpersonal phenomenon deeply entwined with meaning and the mutual recognition of each other’s mental states. Intentionalists view sexual desire as existing on a continuum, with varying degrees of intentional content, from encounters focused on basic physical pleasure to those heavily influenced by personal, social, and cultural meanings.
But regardless of your favorable approach, both of them agree on the presence of physical pleasure in sex. Humans are tactile beings, and sex is derived from the feel of physical touch and bodily connection. So, if sex is fundamentally rooted in the physical, what, then, explains the desire to have cybersex? If sexual pleasure relies on the presence of another’s touch, scent, and bodily reality, why do people find satisfaction and even seek fulfillment through cybersex? Why do people engage in a type of sexual activity that bypasses the physical experience entirely?
Pleasures of cybersex
Perhaps the radical answer to solve the questions above is to claim that cybersex is not "real" sex. However, I argue against this claim based on a virtual realism view developed by Australian philosopher David Chalmers. According to this view, virtual reality is a genuine reality, and virtual objects and virtual experiences are real and meaningful. Chalmers defends this view by claiming that we cannot definitively know we are not living in a simulation, akin to Descartes’ notion of an evil demon creating deceptive sensations. While some philosophers conclude from this idea that we cannot know the reality of our surroundings, Chalmers contends that even if we are in a simulation, our experiences remain real – comprising genuine objects and entities constructed from digital processes. This also applies to already existing virtual realities. Chalmers believes that we can lead meaningful lives within these virtual environments, and that everything we experience there is genuine and meaningful (Chalmers, 2022). Applying Chalmers' account to cybersex, I believe that engaging in online sexual activities constitutes a real form of sex, and the emotions experienced during cybersex can be deeply fulfilling and authentic.
And this returns us back to the question of the pleasures of cybersex. Its pleasure can indeed be physical – when, for example, one is masturbating or using sex toys alongside their cybersexual experience – but this is not always the case. I started this essay with the example of textual sexting, the pleasure of which rather comes from its imaginative aspects – from the emotions that the words produce. Thus, cybersex is much more about the discussed above (b) pleasure-as-enjoyment than (a) pleasure-as-sensation. It is the whole experience of cybersex that brings us pleasure rather than specific bodily sensations.
As such, the mind plays a significant role in providing pleasure in cybersex. The absence of physical contact can enhance the role of imagination and be a key to why people might specifically seek cybersex and what they find pleasurable about it. Recognizing that cybersexual pleasure goes beyond the physical pleasure account gives us a lens to examine some of the important characteristics of cybersex, which supports the idea that cybersex offers more than just potential challenges: it also offers a new way of exploring our sexual pleasure, which is anchored much more in our minds than in our bodies. Here, I briefly sketch out some characteristic features of cybersexual pleasure to highlight some positive directions for future research.
(a) Role-playing and self-exploration.
Cybersex allows one to "wear" different identities – change age, gender, body type, and so on – and thus to explore different aspects of themselves free from societal, cultural, and personal constraints.
(b) Better tailored experience.
The online world allows people to connect with others who share their tastes, expanding their reach geographically and allowing for greater customization of their experiences. Moreover, rapid developments in robot design and artificial intelligence make it possible for people not only to start and build relationships with each other using digital technologies, but also to build relationships with such technologies in order to have the specific experience(s) they want. This can be more satisfying than a real-life sexual encounter that does not always meet their expectations and is much harder to create.
(c) No physical vulnerability and better control.
Since cybersex does not require physical presence, users can feel safe and secure. For many, the lack of physical vulnerability makes relaxing and enjoying the experience easier without the pressures of performance or self-consciousness about their bodies. Cybersexual partners can dictate the pace, set boundaries, and disengage when they want to. This sense of control can enhance the pleasure derived from the experience, especially for people who prefer to manage the dynamics of their sexual encounters.
(d) Anonymity.
Due to the anonymity that digital spaces provide, people can engage in cybersex without fear of judgment, rejection, or consequences, which can be liberating. This can encourage people to be more open about their desires and needs, contributing to a greater sense of sexual satisfaction.
(e) Feeling connection.
Despite the physical distance, some people experience a form of emotional or mental intimacy during cybersex, particularly when shared fantasies, deep conversations, or ongoing virtual relationships accompany it. For some, this connection can be just as fulfilling as a real-life sexual relationship, especially if they feel understood and desired.
All these pleasures of cybersex reveal an exciting truth: that our most profound sexual experiences may often spring from the mind rather than the body. People often find in cybersex a way to overcome physical limitations, experiment with identities, or enjoy a safe space for self-expression that may be more challenging to find offline. As we step into the future of intimacy, we should recognize and acknowledge these features of cybersex that empower us to explore our sexuality in new and previously impossible ways. So, when you find yourself at night hitting the "send" button, feeling your heartbeat quicken, and greedily watching those three little dots dancing on the screen, remember that your imagination and mind are powerful tools to deepen your understanding of pleasure – pleasure that is not solely dictated by physical touch, but also by emotional resonance, creativity, and exploration.
Eseja sākotnēji publicēta žurnāla Tvēruma "Baudas" numurā (Ziema 2025), 26.-35. lpp. // Essay originally published in the magazine "Tvērums" issue "Pleasure" (Winter 2025), pp. 26-35.
Notes
¹ Nowadays sexting is used to describe exchanging sexually explicit textual messages, photos, or videos via digital devices, such as smartphones, computers, or tablets. Here I refer specifically to its textual form which relies solely on words to convey desire, often using descriptive language, flirty banter, and suggestive scenarios to build excitement and intimacy between participants.
² This definition is a modified version of the definition provided by Döring (2000).
³ For example, "The Joy of Cybersex: An Underground Guide to Electronic Erotica" was written in 1993 by Phillip Robinson and Nancy Tamosaitis. It was also packaged with a CD disk containing some adult games like Strip Poker 3 and Jigsaw Pinups. Another book is "Online Friendship, Chat-Room Romance and Cybersex: Your Guide to Affairs of the Net" written by Michael Adamse and Sheree Motta in 1996.
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